“Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand in hand.” - Emily Kimbrough

Just as important as what you should do is what you
shouldn’t do — and I’m sure many of you have stepped into these
pitfalls yourselves. I know I have. I’ve learned from my mistakes, and
have learned to recognize when I’m making a fatal error, and how to
correct it.

If you can avoid these seven things, and focus
instead on doing the four things above, you should have a strong
relationship. I’m not going to guarantee anything, but I’d give you
good odds.

1. Resentment. This is a poison that starts as
   something small (”He didn’t get a new roll of toilet paper” or “She
   doesn’t wash her dishes after she eats”) and builds up into something
   big. Resentment is dangerous because it often flies under our radar, so
   that we don’t even notice we have the resentment, and our partner
   doesn’t realize that there’s anything wrong. If you ever notice
   yourself having resentment, you need to address this immediately,
   before it gets worse. Cut it off while it’s small. There are two good
   ways to deal with resentment: 1) breathe, and just let it go — accept
   your partner for who she/he is, faults and all; none of us is perfect;
   or 2) talk to your partner about it if you cannot accept it, and try to
   come up with a solution that works for both of you (not just for you);
   try to talk to them in a non-confrontational way, but in a way that
   expresses how you feel without being accusatory.
2. Jealousy. It’s hard to control jealousy if you
   feel it, I know. It seems to happen by itself, out of our control,
   unbidden and unwanted. However, jealousy, like resentment, is
   relationship poison. A little jealousy is fine, but when it gets to a
   certain level it turns into a need to control your partner, and turns
   into unnecessary fights, and makes both parties unhappy. If you have
   problems with jealousy (like I once did), instead of trying to control
   them it’s important that you examine and deal with the root issue,
   which is usually insecurity. That insecurity might be tied to your
   childhood (abandonment by a parent, for example), in a past
   relationship where you got hurt, or in an incident or incidents in the
   past of your current relationship.
3. Unrealistic expectations. Often we have an idea of
   what our partner should be like. We might expect them to clean up after
   themselves, to be considerate, to always think of us first, to surprise
   us, to support us, to always have a smile, to work hard and not be
   lazy. Not necessarily these expectations, but almost always we have
   expectations of our partner. Having some expectations is fine — we
   should expect our partner to be faithful, for example. But sometimes,
   without realizing it ourselves, we have expectations that are too high
   to meet. Our partner isn’t perfect — no one is. We can’t expect them to
   be cheerful and loving every minute of the day — everyone has their
   moods. We can’t expect them to always think of us, as they will
   obviously think of themselves or others sometimes too. We can’t expect
   them to be exactly as we are, as everyone is different. High
   expectations lead to disappointment and frustration, especially if we
   do not communicate these expectations. How can we expect our partner to
   meet these expectations if they don’t know about them? The remedy is to
   lower your expectations — allow your partner to be himself/herself, and
   accept and love them for that. What basic expectations we do have, we
   must communicate clearly.
4. Not making time. This is a problem with couples
   who have kids, but also with other couples who get caught up in work or
   hobbies or friends and family or other passions. Couples who don’t
   spend time alone together will drift apart. And while spending time
   together when you’re with the kids or other friends and family is a
   good thing, it’s important that you have time alone together. Can’t
   find time with all the things you have going on — work and kids and all
   the other stuff? Make time. Seriously — make the time. It can be done.
   I do it — I just make sure that this time with my wife is a priority,
   and I’ll drop just about anything else to make the time. Get a
   babysitter, drop a couple commitments, put off work for a day, and go
   on a date. It doesn’t have to be an expensive date — some time in
   nature, or exercising together, or watching a DVD and having a
   home-cooked dinner, are all good options. And when you’re together,
   make an effort to connect, not just be together.
5. Lack of communication. This sin affects all the
   others on this list — it’s been said many times before, but it’s true:
   good communication is the cornerstone of a good relationship. If you
   have resentment, you must talk it out rather than let the resentment
   grow. If you are jealous, you must communicate in an open and honest
   manner to address your insecurities. If you have expectations of your
   partner, you must communicate them. If there are any problems
   whatsoever, you must communicate them and work them out. Communication
   doesn’t just mean talking or arguing — good communication is honest
   without being attacking or blaming. Communicate your feelings — being
   hurt, frustrated, sorry, scared, sad, happy — rather than criticizing.
   Communicate a desire to work out a solution that works for you both, a
   compromise, rather than a need for the other person to change. And
   communicate more than just problems — communicate the good things too
   (see below for more).
6. Not showing gratitude. Sometimes there are no real
   problems in a relationship, such as resentment or jealousy or
   unrealistic expectations — but there is also no ex-pression of the good
   things about your partner either. This lack of gratitude and
   appreciation is just as bad as the problems, because without it your
   partner will feel like he or she is being taken for granted. Every
   person wants to be appreciated for all they do. And while you might
   have some problems with what your partner does (see above), you should
   also realize that your partner does good things too. Does she wash your
   dishes or cook you something you like? Does he clean up after you or
   support you in your job? Take the time to say thank you, and give a hug
   and kiss. This little ex-pression can go a long way.
7. Lack of affection. Similarly, everything else can
   be going right, including the ex-pression of gratitude, but if there is
   no affection among partners then there is serious trouble. In effect,
   the relationship is drifting towards a platonic status. That might be
   better than many relationships that have serious problems, but it’s not
   a good thing. Affection is important –everyone needs some of it,
   especially from someone we love. Take the time, every single day, to
   give affection to your partner. Greet her when she comes home from work
   with a tight hug. Wake him up with a passionate kiss (who cares about
   morning breath!). Sneak up behind her and kiss her on the neck. Make
   out in the movie theater like teen-agers. Caress his back and neck
   while watching TV. Smile at her often.
8. Bonus sin: Stubbornness. This wasn’t on my
   original list but I just thought about it before publishing this post,
   and had to add it in. Every relationship will have problems and
   arguments — but it’s important that you learn to work out these
   problems after cooling down a bit. Unfortunately, many of us are too
   stubborn to even talk about things. Perhaps we always want to be right.
   Perhaps we never want to admit that we made a mistake. Perhaps we don’t
   like to say we’re sorry. Perhaps we don’t like to compromise. I’ve done
   all of these things — but I’ve learned over the years that this is just
   childish. When I find myself being stubborn these days, I try to get
   over this childishness and suck it up and put away my ego and say I’m
   sorry. Talk about the problem and work it out. Don’t be afraid to be
   the first one to apologize. Then move past it to better things.